Wistful...

Last weekend I went to a Board party. (Which was amazing, btw. I love Board parties.) At one point during a conversation about different cliques, someone mused, "That's the beauty of college. There are so many people, you're certain to find your perfect clique." Everyone laughed because of the truth of the statement. I chuckled at the humor of it all, but it made me ponder... I don't have my perfect clique here. Ever since my freshman year of college, I have been without my clique. Oh sure, I fit in very well with many different cliques, I get along with many different personalities. I love my friends, and I love where I am in life. It's one thing that I really enjoy about myself—my ability to befriend most genres of personalities.

Sometimes, however, I sit in a large group and feel alone. I look around and feel like I'm looking through a glass pane. Sometimes I wish I had my own little clique that I could feel completely comfortable with all the time...that truly understand who I am and why I do the things I do.

Tonight I went to Yellow's apartment for some of bismark's curry. After I got there, I realized it was not only a curry party, but also a karaoke party. American Idol on Playstation. I enjoyed watching for awhile, then at one point leaned over to Yellow and mused, "Y'know, this is something that I wouldn't do." Upon seeing the look on his face, I continued, "Well, I would, given the right group of people. This just isn't that group." For the record, Yellow and bismark were the only people I even knew there. I had no desire to get up and make a fool of myself in front of a group of strangers. The very next song, bismark decided I was singing. I adamantly declined... over and over and over again. Finally, someone else sang.

I watched the next several songs, not having nearly as much fun. First, I felt silly for being so adamantly against it. Suddenly, I was the unsocial person. It made me remember when I first moved into this house when I determined I was going to be social. I consciously went out of my comfort zone to do things I normally wouldn't do with people I don't know, just to make a valid effort to make friends and be social. It was hard, but fun at the same time. Tonight, I realized that I had lost that desire... I don't do that anymore. I want to just be comfortable; I don't try to make things comfortable. Second, I kind of wanted to do it. I wanted to get up and sing. I wanted to be social. But I had already made my decision, and I knew I'd just feel stupid. Which was very stupid of me.

And on top of it all, I miss my high school friends... the friends that I felt utterly and completely myself with. The clique that defined me once upon a time. Oh clique... where hast thou gone?