I feel...

I think I use the phrase "I feel..." too much lately. Even if it's just saying it to myself.

Today I am feeling like this again.

Except, I'm not working in SLC. I'm mostly in Orem. So that can't be it.

I'm just tired of working all the time. I get bored even though there is so much that needs done. I remember hearing once that only boring people get bored. Well, perhaps I'm a boring person. At least at work. I'm quickly losing motivation. I was productive this morning. Even Almond Crunch thought I was productive and was very pleased with me. I was so proud of myself. It was soon thereafter that my motivation plummeted. You'd think the praise would have motivated me more. But really, I just want to go home. You know it's getting bad when I give Heartless Siren my favorite task and am actually kind of excited about her doing it instead of me. It's actually quite a relief to know she's doing it. But seriously, every time someone else tries to take it from me, I get quite possessive and defensive. I don't know what the difference is this time. Maybe because I just know that she'll do a good job? But part of me just is ready to hand my entire job over to her. (Don't freak out Heartless Siren, I'm not giving you the whole thing. Not just yet, anyway. ;) ) I wondered today if it could be because I know she's a temp, and thus won't be taking my job over forever. But then I remembered that she's leaving eventually and the thought scared me. I'm growing to depend on her here! She can't leave me. And that's when I realized that it's not just because she's a temp.

Work just feels so... empty... to me. I don't get the fulfillment out of it that I used to. Maybe I'm just getting cabin fever or something. I'm longing for spring to come again. I want to get outside. I want to lay on a blanket and read a book. I want to fix our swing and just... swing. I want to dig into the dirt that will become my garden. I want to take my new plant obsession outside... fill in those empty flower beds. Oddly enough, I even kind of want to go hiking. (But shhh... don't tell anyone.) But I know that when spring comes, I'll still won't be content, because I'll spend prime outside time indoors.... working. At this job, that I should love, that I want to love... that I feel so disconnected with. The last time I felt this way about this job, I was just about to quit so I could go to Israel. I'm not about to quit this job. I have nothing better to do, nor is there any other real job I'm qualified for. Plus, I need the money. So I'm stuck going to work for 8 hours of my day... 8 hours I'd rather spend elsewhere.

I feel... lonely, empty, lacking, hanging in limbo... and a bunch of other things. I probably shouldn't list all of this, because then people are just going to think that I'm a depressed, boring, human being. I would like to think that I am not. I'm not listing what I am; just how I feel. Knowing me, I probably won't feel this way tomorrow. But today I do.

Also, a big hug and thanks to Heartless Siren who has held me together in so many ways. For making me laugh when I'm mad. For pouting for me when I kick thin air and hurt my knee. For laughing out loud so that I can hear her across the walls and laugh back. For TYPING IN ALL CAPS AND PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE SHE IS NOT. For supporting me in my stupidity. For strangling software. For wanting to scroll up in real life. For giving me dating advice that I never take. For keeping my grammar intact so I don't look like a fool. For being a Heartless Siren working for the Church. For playing Mario 3 with me. For letting me lean on her shoulder when she has a bubble. For telling me it's ok to cry. For making me laugh halfway through my cry. For living with me for almost 4 years. For helping me stay clean. For finding beauty in things I find common. For helping me fall in love with snow and icicles. For sharing a secret language with me. For loving games. For loving movies. For helping me step out of the bubble I grew up in. For missing me when I'm gone. For knowing all of my stories, and letting me tell them over and over again. For knowing the real me, and still loving me. For giving me 12-step programs... even if we never get past step 3. For befriending my friends. For knowing when to compliment and when to keep her mouth shut. For respecting my choices. For trusting me. For thinking my blogs are funny. For helping me become organized. For wanting to move to New Hampshire with me. For having a great taste in music. For letting me give her nicknames. For letting me win. For giving me ibuprofen when I forget mine. For reminding me to take medicine when I'm in pain. For inventing words like "huzzay." For saying things like "Shoot dang and boy howdy." For quoting movies, books, and TV shows with me. (Banana.) For being the greatest of friends. And for all the other things I want to say, but really should get back to working at the job that pays me.

Doctors = mean

I keep getting asked for updates, so here y'all go.

I went to the doctor bright and early at 7:30 this morning. After filling out mountains of paperwork, I was ushered back to a room where I put all my stuff down and got comfortable. As soon as I did that, they made me get up to go in and get X-rays. Very well. However, may I just say that with my tailbone war injury and a knee that doesn't like to turn, I'm not a fan of hard tables that I have to lay on and move in various positions, then hold them for long periods of time.

Back to the room where I waited for them to develop the X-rays. The X-rays came... the doctor didn't. I gave up on sitting on the edge of the table with my legs dangling and decided to take advantage of the pillow and comfy table and laid down. (And may I just mention that I hate lay/lie. Meh.) And waited. And waited. The door was mostly open and I was across the hall from the reception desk, so I could listen to their conversations. One lady always has the same username/password. She just uses the name of one of her three daughters and changes the i or L to a 1. She's pretty spiffy, huh? Also, she discovered that she could still log in to some old website that she probably shouldn't still have access to, but it will be very helpful. The other receptionist got married the end of June and got hired to this job July 2nd. None of her family lives around here, but all of her husband's do. It's weird, but she's getting used to it. Another receptionist came to work and was immediately greeted with another girl running out and giving her a birthday present. There were actually two gifts in there, because the girl forgot her birthday last year.

I was so bored.

Finally the doctor came in, stuck the X-rays up on the viewer thing on the wall and never looked at them again. He came over, asked me all the appropriate questions about what I did to my knee. I told him hi from Brother Sr. who is his neighbor. Found out that Brother Sr. saved Dr. Larsen's life on a 24-hour bike ride in Moab. Who knew? I have cool brothers. :) He then started poking around on my leg, but soon realized that this wasn't gonna happen in a skirt. So he pulled out this massively huge pair of medical shorts and told me to put them on. When I say these shorts were huge, I really mean it. Like, I pulled them on, and they fell off. I pulled them up again, and they fell off again. So I tucked my undershirt underneath them (in case they fell off again with someone in there) and pulled my sweater over the top of them. Luckily, it's tight enough that it held them up. Though, when I hopped back up on the table, I had to pull them up again.

Dr. Larsen came back in and started pushing and pulling and doing all sorts of really mean things to my knee. There was wincing. I decided that doctors are mean. They try to hurt you. They do it on purpose! Jerkfaces...

Finally, he pulled down the idol gods of bones and muscles they keep up on the shelves and started pointing out all the ligaments and such and what was hurt on me. He agreed with Yellow's neighbor that the MCL was strained, but not torn. "If it was torn, I could push your knee like this." (Apparently these idol gods are the gods of torture.) But there was another diagnosis on top of Yellow's neighbor's... a possible torn meniscus. Even better, that won't heal on its own. Ever. It'll just hurt and bother me for the rest of my life. Joy.

"Well, you have two options. One, you can get an MRI today and find out what's going on. Or two, you can wait a month. In one month, the MCL will have healed. So, if it still hurts, you probably have a torn meniscus and we can do an MRI then."
"Well, if I have an MRI and find out that I do have a torn meniscus, I thought you said there was nothing we could do to fix it."
"Well, we can scope it." He then proceded to tell me about the joys of a knee scope. All I really remember was small holes and pumping water into my knee. Gross. There's a reason I didn't go into Nursing. "So, which do you want to do? Get an MRI or wait a month?"
"Well, let's pretend I'm going out of the country in April."
"Let's schedule you for an MRI today. In fact, let's just head out to the receptionist desk right now and get that scheduled."
"Umm... can I change back into my skirt first?"

He looked a bit startled. I think he forgot I was in shorts that would fall off the second I jumped off the table. But he chuckled and agreed. Then even told me that I could keep the shorts ... because I was Brother Sr.'s sister. Heh. I have a souvenier!

MRI scheduled for 12:30. I called Mom as I headed back to work to tell her about the doctor's appointment. On my way I detoured to McDonalds and got a Bacon, Egg and Cheese McGriddle. Mmm... Mom told me about a time when she put the divine goodness that is buttermilk syrup in some pancake batter and made waffles and used them to make an egg sandwich. I think I will follow in her footsteps. She is a wise woman, afterall.

Got to work and struggled with gaining motivation to work for three hours until it was out to Provo to get an MRI. I spent about 2 minutes in the waiting room. That included check-in time when I had to tell them that I was not paying for this out-of-pocket, but had insurance (their paperwork was wrong) and opening up a magazine to take a quiz that said because I get sleepy when I read, I may have a sleep disorder. Then they came and got me. Wow! This might actually be a fast appointment! They had me change into bright pink scrubs and green socks, lock my stuff up in a cupboard, then told me they'd come back and get me in about 20 minutes. So much for a fast appointment.

The same magazine was in there, so read up about sleep, diabetes, cancer and herpes. I also learned that black and green tea can build bone density (pshha, I say) and that the massive amounts of mercury in seafood that is bad for pregnant women may be outweighed by the nutritional goodness that is in seafood. (You may die of mercury poisoning, but at least you'll be healthy while you do! Pssha again!) There were also some interesting articles that I thought had some validity, but they weren't nearly as much fun, nor could I guffaw at them. Thus, I don't remember them.

Finally they came and got me and took me to this room with a big machine that I've only ever seen on TV shows, like House... the legendary MRI machine. I had to go in that thing? They gave me ear plugs because the machine could be loud. Then they positioned me on this table-like thing (that thankfully was cushioned) and got my leg all locked up in this tube-esque contraption. They warned me that if I moved at all in the next half hour, it would all be for naught and I'd have to do it all again. So... don't move. No moving... check. [sigh] He started to put me inside the gigantic hole, then asked if I was cold and wanted a blanket. I wasn't actually cold, but knowing my track record, I asked for the blanket. They must keep it in an oven or something because it was warm. Felt so nice. I should put a blanket in the drier before cuddling up in it more often.

He then moved me inside the monstorous machine, then gave me headphones to put on. He didn't explain what the headphones were for, so I assumed they were either so he could talk to me during the procedure ("Would you stop moving already?!") or maybe they'd play some music for me. But the machine started making funny noises that sounded like someone tapping in a nail with a hammer... and nothing came through the headphones. I concluded that they were simply to help keep out noise. I tried really hard to keep the bottom half of me still. I remember half falling asleep once and twitching (I do that when I fall asleep) and then waking up swiftly and focusing on not moving. I had my arms crossed and they started falling asleep, but even though they told me I could scratch my nose if I wanted, I didn't want to risk it and let them fall asleep. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, music came through my headphones! What in the world?! It scared me and I probably jumped and ruined the whole thing. I was so shocked by the whole thing that it took me a good 30 seconds to realize the irony of the song they chose to play. Any guesses? Dare You to Move. Hahaha! I was highly entertained.

Finally, it was over. And now I'm back at work, still struggling with gaining motivation and waiting for the doctor to call with the results. He hoped to call in the next day or two.

Everyone, we're praying that my meniscus is happy, healthy and whole.

Knees and Honor

Claudio and I have an inside joke where he says, "YOU MUST SLAY HIM TO AVENGE OUR HONOR" in as many chat conversations as he can. Typically it fits in at slightly awkward times and just makes us both laugh. But today, it fit so beautifully, I can't help but tell everyone about it.

Background: Yellow took the Heartless Siren and I snowmobiling over President's Day... because neither of us had ever been. A good three hours of fun into it, there was a mishap involving me, a snowmobile, a hilltop, a jump, a fall, a stuck foot, a torn boot, and a strained Medial Collateral Ligament (aka the inside of my right knee). Once Yellow's dad (and me, for that matter) was convinced that I could use my leg, we started the hour drive back to the car. It wasn't too bad, except when the road was washboarding or when I would squeeze my knees in when turing a corner. Needless to say, I ended up on crutches that day, but have been rapidly healing ever since. Or rather, I healed rapidly to the point where I can walk without crutches, but then it plateaued. For the last several days my knee has been achy. It doesn't hurt with sharp pains every time I turn it or step on it slightly wrong... just sometimes when I turn it or step on it slightly wrong. I still can't rotate my foot all the way to the right, but it's so much better.

Anyway, so point is, Mom and Brother Sr. have both convinced me that I need to go see another doctor. (I informally saw a doctor the day it happened. Y'know, went to his house and he gave me a diagnosis.)

Enter prelim conversation with Claudio (with a cameo appearance by Humble Master):

Humble Master: I think there is a direct correlation to how excited a doctor is
to how concerned you should be.
Claudio: It's the truth!
Dragon Lady: heh... I'll keep that in mind tomorrow when I go see the doctor about my knee
Claudio: "Doctor jones, you've gotta come see this knee! And get Dr. Smith!"
Dragon Lady: shudder
Claudio: Dr. Smith enters: "DUDE!"
Dragon Lady: no! Not that!
Claudio: I'm sure it will be fine.
Dragon Lady: so long as I don't have Dr. Jones and Dr. Smith
Claudio: And so long as Dr. Smith isn't a surfer.
Dragon Lady: oh. Right. Or a surver wanna-be
Claudio: Either way.

Now to the point of this whole post... the conversation later that day:

Dragon Lady: (My doctor's name is Dr. Larsen. I think I'm good. I don't think he's a surfer)
Claudio: Larsen...that means he's a Swede.
Dragon Lady: oh no. I'm Norse
Claudio: Well, then, it will be a battle to the death.
Dragon Lady: curses
Claudio: And you have a bad knee already...
Dragon Lady: I'll play on the reddish hair and convince him I'm Irish
Claudio: I'd recommend putting small poisoned blades at the end of your crutches. Dragon Lady, don't wuss out.
Dragon Lady: With the small poisoned blades as a back up
Claudio: I'm Norse too, so if you need someone to help you with offering sacrifices to Odin before your great battle, I'm in.
Claudio: YOU MUST SLAY HIM TO AVENGE OUR HONOR.

Productivity?

I realized something about feeling productive today. Turns out, I can get easily get a false sense of productivity and feel content about it.

For example, cleaning out my inbox makes me feel very productive. This morning I had 112 emails in my Inbox. Now I have zero. Sounds pretty cool, right? Well, check out the numbers in my To Do folders:

- Hawaii to Load: 2
- Ft. Wayne to Load: 15
- to do real: 26
- ASAP: 10
- CONTENTdm after break: 4
- BYU to do: 12
- FH Collection metadata: 0 (yay!)
- to delete: 2
- TFs - Ft. Wayne: 11
- Serials: 2
- Missing pages: 1
- [name of coworker] problems: 21
- [name of other coworker] - black magic: 3

No, I didn't put all those in today... but still! So much to do! But I feel so productive because 112 emails are now of of my sight. (Ironically, as I write this, I just got an email.)

Another example. If I have some big project that I need done, and I have someone else do it for me, I feel very productive. This big project that really needs to get done and has been weighing on my shoulders is finally getting done! I'm so cool and productive! Well, that's dumb, because the only thing I did was get it set up, train someone else how to do it, and delegate it out.

So, despite the fact that I have not been very productive today, I feel productive today. I am knowingly deceiving myself.

Some things that make me happy

New phone, rooster alarm clock, fast healing, trust, dark chocolate, feeling productive, upgrading, Mario 3, Strategy Guides, quote boards, certain kinds of wood, memories, pictures, my adorable iPod, succeeding in organization, moving on, snowmobiling, rock climbing, trying new things, cooking, baking, feeding others, Saving the World, heavily falling snow, beauty, blankets, cute socks, feeling cute, knowing I made someone else happy, being loved, loving, peace, Macs, Bastet, bananas, snacking, completion, the Board, hitting 1,000, competition, games, dreaming, explaining something that is unexplainable, pencil sketches, mountains, being pain-free, minions, waddling, water, waterfalls, chatting, lists, really good hugs, etc., etc.

When things just work.