I feel...

I think I use the phrase "I feel..." too much lately. Even if it's just saying it to myself.

Today I am feeling like this again.

Except, I'm not working in SLC. I'm mostly in Orem. So that can't be it.

I'm just tired of working all the time. I get bored even though there is so much that needs done. I remember hearing once that only boring people get bored. Well, perhaps I'm a boring person. At least at work. I'm quickly losing motivation. I was productive this morning. Even Almond Crunch thought I was productive and was very pleased with me. I was so proud of myself. It was soon thereafter that my motivation plummeted. You'd think the praise would have motivated me more. But really, I just want to go home. You know it's getting bad when I give Heartless Siren my favorite task and am actually kind of excited about her doing it instead of me. It's actually quite a relief to know she's doing it. But seriously, every time someone else tries to take it from me, I get quite possessive and defensive. I don't know what the difference is this time. Maybe because I just know that she'll do a good job? But part of me just is ready to hand my entire job over to her. (Don't freak out Heartless Siren, I'm not giving you the whole thing. Not just yet, anyway. ;) ) I wondered today if it could be because I know she's a temp, and thus won't be taking my job over forever. But then I remembered that she's leaving eventually and the thought scared me. I'm growing to depend on her here! She can't leave me. And that's when I realized that it's not just because she's a temp.

Work just feels so... empty... to me. I don't get the fulfillment out of it that I used to. Maybe I'm just getting cabin fever or something. I'm longing for spring to come again. I want to get outside. I want to lay on a blanket and read a book. I want to fix our swing and just... swing. I want to dig into the dirt that will become my garden. I want to take my new plant obsession outside... fill in those empty flower beds. Oddly enough, I even kind of want to go hiking. (But shhh... don't tell anyone.) But I know that when spring comes, I'll still won't be content, because I'll spend prime outside time indoors.... working. At this job, that I should love, that I want to love... that I feel so disconnected with. The last time I felt this way about this job, I was just about to quit so I could go to Israel. I'm not about to quit this job. I have nothing better to do, nor is there any other real job I'm qualified for. Plus, I need the money. So I'm stuck going to work for 8 hours of my day... 8 hours I'd rather spend elsewhere.

I feel... lonely, empty, lacking, hanging in limbo... and a bunch of other things. I probably shouldn't list all of this, because then people are just going to think that I'm a depressed, boring, human being. I would like to think that I am not. I'm not listing what I am; just how I feel. Knowing me, I probably won't feel this way tomorrow. But today I do.

Also, a big hug and thanks to Heartless Siren who has held me together in so many ways. For making me laugh when I'm mad. For pouting for me when I kick thin air and hurt my knee. For laughing out loud so that I can hear her across the walls and laugh back. For TYPING IN ALL CAPS AND PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE SHE IS NOT. For supporting me in my stupidity. For strangling software. For wanting to scroll up in real life. For giving me dating advice that I never take. For keeping my grammar intact so I don't look like a fool. For being a Heartless Siren working for the Church. For playing Mario 3 with me. For letting me lean on her shoulder when she has a bubble. For telling me it's ok to cry. For making me laugh halfway through my cry. For living with me for almost 4 years. For helping me stay clean. For finding beauty in things I find common. For helping me fall in love with snow and icicles. For sharing a secret language with me. For loving games. For loving movies. For helping me step out of the bubble I grew up in. For missing me when I'm gone. For knowing all of my stories, and letting me tell them over and over again. For knowing the real me, and still loving me. For giving me 12-step programs... even if we never get past step 3. For befriending my friends. For knowing when to compliment and when to keep her mouth shut. For respecting my choices. For trusting me. For thinking my blogs are funny. For helping me become organized. For wanting to move to New Hampshire with me. For having a great taste in music. For letting me give her nicknames. For letting me win. For giving me ibuprofen when I forget mine. For reminding me to take medicine when I'm in pain. For inventing words like "huzzay." For saying things like "Shoot dang and boy howdy." For quoting movies, books, and TV shows with me. (Banana.) For being the greatest of friends. And for all the other things I want to say, but really should get back to working at the job that pays me.