Now you know... and knowing is half the battle

I was talking to Chillylint today about how funny I am. (Her words, not mine.) I concluded that every tragic dating moment has added humor to my personality in order to keep my sanity. I tried to convince her that it was quantity, not quality, that was important in this gift, hence why I am more funny than she. This post* is to convince her. And because I don't really want to go to bed or pack.

- Puppy Love: Kindergarten I was in love with him... I think. At least, rumor on the street is that we kissed. Though... I have no recollection of this. And I remember denying it. Then, his house burned down and he left me to move to Washington. Jerkface.

- All the boys in elementary, middle, and high school that dated my friends and not me. Especially all the boys I had crushes on. You probably don't know who you are. Their tragic moments are in the sin of omission.

- Catholic Boy: The one non-Mormon I really knew growing up. I had a crush on him from when he moved in in 5th grade until he moved out in 8th grade. He paid me no heed except when we were competing in band. He dated the cute, popular girl. He ended up committing suicide while I was in China... because another girl I knew wouldn't marry him because he wasn't LDS and she wanted to marry in the temple.

- Jolly Green Giant: I suffered through weeks of illness for him. That's tragic to be sure. He broke up with me so that he could move off to college and date other girls. He told me he was too good for me because he was in college and I was in high school. He ended up hating me because I maybe trashed his room. (He asked for it... quite literally. The hypocrite.) He was the reason I almost stopped pranking. What a tragedy that would have been! You would not know me as Dragon Lady today...

- Juan: Conveniently forgot about me when I was most enamored with him. Emailed my friend instead of me. Caused me serious stress and grief while trying to decide if I should date someone seriously in high school. Was a horrible writer on his mission, even though I was a good girlfriend (though I wouldn't admit to being his girlfriend) and sent him packages. Built me up, made me think I would marry him, then broke up with me at his homecoming. And after I sprained my big toe for him! After several months, we both ended up in Provo where we started talking again... and he was all moody and pessimistic about about dating. And his big head swelled to unhealthy proportions. We had a fight or two. We stopped talking for about a year. He showed back up in my life a month or two ago. Bringing back all sorts of emotions that I didn't want to feel towards him. At a time when I was trying to focus on someone else. That was really hard.

- 4-fingered Man: First, imagine dating someone with only four fingers on one hand. We drifted apart—I thought it was a mutual drifting. But then we had a class together in college and he thought we were still dating. Awkward. We played Junior High where our mutual friend, The Goblin King, was forced to relay messages. I finally told him I couldn't date him—he was going on a mission and I didn't want to wait for a missionary. (Conveniently not mentioning that I had just sent off Juan a month prior.) He put on a huge show of being heartbroken and how there would not be another for him. A week later The Goblin King spotted him on campus holding hands with another girl. At his farewell, he told me I couldn't have a testimony because I wasn't decisive.

- Secret Admirer: Stalked me. Sent me secret admirer messages. Made me wonder if someone was looking through my windows. Made me go on a scavenger hunt to discover his identity for our first date. Turned out to be my FHE brother. Made me conceal his identity. I only called him by his middle name to my roommates for a month. I was about brutally murdered when they learned the truth. Made a bet with me, I forgave him for losing twice. When he lost again, I declared myself the winner—he never paid up. I found out I was the topic of discussion in a panel of guys in his dorm put together to make decisions for all boys on their floor. And not just me... but the future of SA and I. After an argument about it just prior to Christmas, he stopped talking to me. And didn't tell me. (Obviously, he wasn't talking to me... how could he tell me?) I didn't realize what had happened for a few weeks. Spent an entire semester trying to figure out how to get him to say hello to me. He ended up marrying one of my favorite people from China. He still doesn't talk to me.

- Ferris Bueller: Fell for his wit and charm. He was my prince for a dance. He didn't fall for me. I was the swooning type; he was not the catching type.

- All the guys that didn't ask me on dates for my first 2.5 years of college. Again, sin of omission.

- Temple Boy: Perfect in many ways. Except, we didn't talk much. We just dated. For two weeks. The first one in my two week curse. I blame him for it all. He was the instigator, you see. Major flaw: everyone loved him... except me.

- Shaky Fingers: Didn't notice me in class until 2 weeks before class ended. The class had, maybe, 15-20 people in it. Made me physically ill a couple of times. First guy that I really dated that I knew I really shouldn't date. Made me watch March Madness scores update on his computer. I helped him with his white glove—cleaning an entire house inhabited by boys. Ugh. Moved after two weeks of dating. #2 in the curse.

- Trend Breaker: Held my hand on our first real meeting. Broke up with me for a reason I can't argue with and complimented me more in breaking up than most guys do in dating. I couldn't even hate him to get over my pain. I had to watch him, two weeks later, date, get engaged to, and marry another girl in our ward. He was the first guy to last more than two weeks in my college life. (Though, there was no friendship period first, which most guys have.) He lasted three. He was also the first to really break my heart.

- Accent: Took me to see Hitch. Awkward date. He asked me if I was going to play with my keys while we were at my door. Then asked if we could go on a walk.

- Pen pal: Got me to kiss him on a second date. Against all my better judgment. Then left for the Army early the next morning.

- Hebrew River Valley: Good friend turned boyfriend. Better as friends. Broke up with me at... you guessed it... two weeks. Now constantly asks me for girl advice.

- Black, not Sirius: most awkward date of my entire life. We talked about homosexuals, got lunch at Sensuous Sandwich, he informed me the bright green trim on his house was because they were turning the house into female housing, he wasn't hungry so put his sandwich in the fridge, then watched me eat mine. Put in a cartoon movie, then proceeded to give me a hand massage. Requested I return the favor. Sat too close, even when I moved to the other side of the couch. Awkward.

- Granola Bar: Day after two weeks, I rejoiced because it was two weeks and there was no end in sight. He broke up with me that night. Guy number two to truly break my heart. Only bright part—it ended the barrage of worry and concern from my parents who feared I would also turn into granola. Salt in the wound: I had gone so long without eating sugar that when I ate chocolate to comfort myself, it made me sick. It's one thing to break up with me for a reason I can't argue with, and to not hate him at all, or even dislike him; it's quite another to take away my comfort food.

- BMW (for those of you from work, this is not the same BMW that used to work in the Dungeon): Got me attached; refused to commit. Ran away at times of potential commitment. May or may not have lasted two weeks. Depends on when you start counting.

- Olive Wood: Was partly the innocent-scapegoat for my emotional breakdown last week, even though he did nothing wrong and was completely unaware... which made it worse cuz I couldn't really blame him, even though I wanted to. And because I miss him right now. And he doesn't know how to Apparate to remedy the situation. Rude.

- Anyone who should have made this list, but got forgotten: for not being memorable enough.

Honestly, Chillylint... and you wonder why I'm so incredibly funny?! Sometimes I wonder about you....


*Some of these stories, though all true, may have been slightly dramatized for effect. But only slightly. So, if you happen to be one of my ex's (which would be really random), and I say something you don't like about you, please feel free to debate me openly or in private. You should all know how to get a hold of me. If not, shame on you. Also, please note, I'm only listing tragedies here. I don't have time to list all the good stuff. Remember, there was something about all of these guys that made me like them enough to date them. I can honestly say that every single one of them were amazing guys. I promise. Really... this blog was written in good fun, with a jovial spirit, and no intention of slandering any soul.