Focused free writing

I have a flaw. (I know... shocking...) Sometimes, when the path isn't clear, when I can't see the end, when I don't know how it's going to turn out... I am scared to walk down that path. This is bad because most paths are not entirely visible. If I only walked down the paths that I had a map for, I would rarely move. The thing is, I want to walk down this path. I'm enjoying the view as I meander down. It seems the right path to be walking down. I've been clinging to the chance to walk down this path. Now here I am! I got my chance.

But sometimes, I look back at the boulders I had to climb to get where I am and they frighten me. It's probably a sign of insanity to get scared of a boulder I've already climbed. Who knew memories could frighten more than the actual event? Why does a glance backwards make me consider fleeing the path forward? What am I actually scared of? Maybe I think that if there were boulders at the beginning, surely there will be more of the same kind of boulders later on. Maybe I see what I've done and the seemingly impossibility of the climb and just have a delayed reaction of fear. Maybe Satan just doesn't want me to make it to the next bend and thus is filling me with fear so that I won't proceed.

Despite it all, I am content to keep walking. I'm trying to stay in the middle of the path where there is more light and less chance of scary things lurking off to the side. I have no intention of giving in to my fear. I have no desire to change paths. The hope of what is at the end is worth the risk of the walk. Besides, it's a slow walk. There is no rush to get to the end. I can take it one step at a time and enjoy the truly beautiful scenery around me... the patch of thick forest, the meadow of wildflowers, the snow-capped mountains in the distance, the setting sun causing deep reds to spread across the sky, and even the stormy clouds in the distance pierced by lightening bolts. You would think that walking towards a potential storm in the approaching night would be enough to deter me. Many would say I'm crazy to even consider it... maybe they're right. But I love watching storms, and night in the wilderness means bright stars... maybe even a glimpse of the Milky Way. Why would I choose a different path now? I suppose it's a matter of perspective. Storm or beautiful excitement? Lurking shadows or bright, shining stars?

I'm not complaining. I just wish that peace and contentment weren't followed with glimpses of doubt and fear. But I suppose overcoming fear is an important step to fully enjoying something.